I actually watched this when it came on Thursday night, but I had my mind on other stuff and didn't really feel like doing a review, so I taped it, and now I'm watching it a second time to get the review done for all my adoring fans!
Rey comes to the ring with his "619 Cam", and Eddie borrows it to videotape Joy and Rey. I wonder if he's going to have that every week, or if it was just a one time little thing. Pretty cool idea though.
1.WWE Tag Team Champion Rey Mysterio beat Eddie Guerrero (13:49 shown of 17:02) by reversing an inside cradle.
Rating: ***1/2
Note: One commercial break was taken during this match, from 6:11 to 9:24.
Thoughts: EXCELLENT match to begin 2005 for SD! This match was a lot different than their two major previous matches (Halloween Havoc '97 and SD! in March 2004), as there was a mutual respect between these two, and the theme of the match was counters, counters, counters. They had some great technical wrestling at the beginning to establish the two as equals despite the size difference, and then great armwork by Eddie. It was great seeing Rey working Eddie's arm after the commercial, to turn the tables on him. The match picked up after that but continued to showcase each man countering the other's offense, and the ending even played into that, working very well unlike previous endings of this type, with the title belt situation and Rey countering the inside cradle for the end. A very slow paced match for the most part (and the crowd didn't seem to like the slower stuff), but the story of each man countering each other's offense was told very well and served to make both of them look great, and I loved the ending, with the very rare inside cradle reversal (shades of Flair/Steamboat 2/3 falls!)
Eddie reluctantly shakes Rey's hand after the match.
Heidenreich talks backstage to someone, saying he knew he could count on him. He fears nothing, but one thing he cannot stand is caskets. He thanks the person for coming to help him, and we see it's Paul Heyman. Heyman promises to take care of this. The casket stipulation has to go. (I personally feel the match has to go.) Heyman says he knows Heidenreich will beat Undertaker at Royal Rumble, but the casket stipulation must go. He'll take care of this right now.
Carlito comes out with a clipboard in his hand. He goes to the commentary table, but that's not what he's here for. He announces his petition to remove Theodore Long as GM. As soon as he gets enough signatures, he'll take it straight to the Board of Directors.
2.WWE Cruiserweight Title: Funaki (c) beat Akio (3:25) with a top rope tornado DDT.
Rating: *1/4
Thoughts: Despite the distraction of Carlito's petition signing, these two actually got the opportunity to show off some impressive fast-paced wrestling. They were basically just doing stuff at random rather than having a coherent match, but they didn't have all the attention on their match anyway, nor did they have very much time. Still, nice to see them get some time on SD!, and they packed a lot of action into the time they had.
Joy refuses to sign Carlito's petition. He teases spitting in her face but doesn't, and then he turns back around and DOES spit in her face! Carlito is fucking awesome.
Heyman tells Long that he's not like Carlito. He wants Long to stay as GM, but he wants him to reconsider the mistake he made last week, putting Heidenreich in the most horrendous, obscene match possible, a casket match. Heyman asks if Long has ever been stuck in a casket. Long asks if he looks dead. Heyman says in a casket match, first you get stuffed in the casket, then the lid is shut. It's dark, and the air gets very thin, and when you get that last breath of air, that's when the worms crawl all over your body... this whole time, Heidenreich's expressions are hilarious thinking about being in a casket. Heyman asks Long to change the stipulation, and Long says if Heidenreich can beat Undertaker tonight, they get to choose the stipulation. Heyman kisses Long's ass, but Long says he meant the word "you" in a plural sense. It will be a handicap match tonight: The Undertaker vs. Heidenreich & Paul Heyman. Heyman becomes infuriated, but Heidenreich tells him not worry, he's got this.
Angle tells the officers to protect his gold medal, and Reigns & Jindrak come in for high fives, when Amy Weber asks to talk to Angle in private. Amy says it must be awkward, her working with JBL, but she wants to talk to him about potential opportunities after Royal Rumble. Angle says he knows she's keeping her options open, and something inside of her knows he will walk away with the WWE Title. He compliments her intelligence, and Amy says the smart thing to do would be for them to talk more about this. Angle says if they're going to have a business relationship, maybe they do need to get more acquainted. Amy agrees and invites Angle to her private locker room after his match so they can get better acquainted. Angle gets a hilarious expression on his face and definitely seems to be liking this a lot!
Angle says it's a new year, and tonight's SD! is coming from a casino, so at the Kurt Angle Invitational, he's in a gambling mood. He will face a hometown hero tonight in a timed challenge, which means he will either make his opponent tap or pin him in less than 3:00. Should his opponent last the 3:00, he will personally award him his Olympic gold medal. We get Angle's opponent for tonight coming out, who looks like Brock Lesnar if he lost all his muscle. Angle asks this guy's name and where he's from. He stays silent and asks for the mic. His name is Brian Black, and he's from right here in Connecticut. Angle blindsides him to begin the match.
3.Kurt Angle Invitational: Kurt Angle beat Brian Black (0:26) with an ankle lock.
Rating: DUD
Thoughts: Total asskicking by Angle, as usual. Really nothing to this one besides the ankle lock, but these are fun to see every week and don't waste much time.
Jackie and Torrie introduce themselves to Puder. Puder mentions Torrie was on the cover of Playboy, and that's cool if that's your thing. He compliments Jackie toughing it out in Tough Enough despite her knee injury, then brings up her trying to beg her boyfriend to stay with her after cheating on him. He says what goes around comes around, and that's like how Charlie Haas dumped her. He says they can go now, and Torrie says Jackie's not worth it. Puder says girls are all the same, just after his money. Awesome stuff by Puder, and I LOVE this character for him.
Kenzo Suzuki comes out dressed as Uncle Sam for his battle rap with John Cena. Cena comes out to a HUGE pop. Cole announcers before the battle rap that next week on SD!, Cena defends the US Title against Kenzo. Kenzo is the man who issued the challenge, so he goes first.
Kenzo Suzuki:
John Cena, you are about to get served
Check this out
Hot dogs, apple pie, Independence Day
Kenzo loves USA
Gonna beat Cena 1-2-3
Become US Champion
You can't see me
Word life
Hilarious "rap" by Kenzo there! But now it's time for the real deal!
John Cena:
You're just a chump in a suit, man
This (points to crowd) is the real USA
And we all see that you're happy
Because you're looking really gay
Hold the sign up there, boy
Chain Gang up in here!
Drinking sake, eating sushi
That's what you should be talking about
You love to eat raw fish
You're always swallowing trouser trout
You're dressed up like the flag
Somebody get him a pole
Oh, no no no, I know how you can get one
Go out on a date with Michael Cole
That would leave me and Hiroko in the right place
I don't do makeup, girl, but I'll help you with the white face
(Kenzo goes into a seizure)
Come on, loosen the kimono, give me a little glance
I'll let you take a long look at the dragon in my pants
And this the Chain Gang, we iced out
Keep it cold like winter
If you don't like what I'm saying
Put your face up on my spinner
Kenzo Suzuki:
You are wrong, Cena
Hiroko loves Kenzo
If you have girl problems
I feel bad for you, son
I've got 99 problems
But Hiroko aren't one
Take it, Hiroko
Hiroko:
Kenzo got me feeling so crazy right now
Kenzo got me feeling so crazy right now
Kenzo got me feeling so crazy right now
Crazy so crazy love
Cena tells "Yoko Ono" to break this up right now and says if they cover Jay-Z like that again, the King of New York will personally come kick their *BEEP* himself. The segment then goes from hilarious to pointless, as Cena promises that he has something we all want to see, even Kenzo, and brings out three Diva Search rejects: Lauren (very big eyes!), Rochelle, and Michelle. Kenzo seems to enjoy the women, making Hiroko jealous. Actually, Cena and Kenzo still make this pretty funny. Kenzo tries to hit on Michelle, and Hiroko puts a sleeper on her. Michelle throws Hiroko off, and Kenzo ambushes Cena, who fights back and knocks him out of the ring onto the ramp. Cena gets pissed and says if you don't start none, there won't be none, but if you want some, come get some. Cena was very fired up tonight, and that's the fire he needs to bring to his raps AND his matches to become a huge superstar.
Next week, Rey & RVD defend the Tag Title against Eddie & Booker, The Bashams, and Reigns & Jindrak in a fatal four way match. I just watched the fatal four way for that title from WM XX a couple of nights ago, so I'm not too excited about this one.
4.Doug Basham beat WWE Tag Team Champion Rob Van Dam (5:40) when Danny Basham (illegally subbing for Doug) pinned RVD after a chokebomb.
Rating: 1/2*
Thoughts: With all the tag partners' antics, there wasn't much to this besides RVD's usual offense, with Doug not getting to do much at all. Not really very exciting and not much of a flow, but not really horrible, just kind of there, and unlike the opener, more build for Tag Title match than a match on its own.
Angle enters Amy's dressing room, then we go to commercial. When we get back from commercial, Angle is sitting in Amy's dressing room. Why is there a camera filming this? That makes no sense. That's a big problem with WWE's style of TV: They have cameras where there's no logical reason for them to be there. Anyway, Angle enters the bathroom, where someone is showering. He assumes it's Amy and strips to his undies. Angle has a pretty impressive package. But it's not Amy in the shower, it's Joy! She's not impressed by his package, as she screams for help and runs off. Angle tries to run too, but he trips with his pants down. He pulls his pants up as he finds Joy's boyfriend, Big Show. He zips up his pants and tries to explain the whole situation. Show chases him into the ring, and they brawl. Show takes out Reigns and Jindrak too, and Angle clocks him in the back with a chair. It does barely any damage, and Show punches the chair into Angle's face, thus getting the better of the brawl. If Angle is still looking for some sex, he should find Heidenreich.
We see footage moments ago of some of what happened in the previous segment and then go to JBL talking with Amy and OJ about what happened. He tells Amy he didn't realize she had her own private locker room and then takes off the "Amy Weber" sign to reveal a "Joy Giovanni" sign. He says she deserves her own locker room, because she's the best image consultant money can buy.
RAW Rebound: Edge def. Chris Jericho, Batista def. Chris Benoit (in a very impressive manner!), Batista makes a smart remark about not getting involved in HHH's match unless Orton really starts kicking his (censored) ass, and Orton def. HHH in a *** match that would be Match of the Week if it weren't for tonight's opener.
Heidenreich boxes with a wall when Heyman interrupts. Lucky for Heidenreich, since I'm sure that wall would have kicked his ass! Heyman tells Heidenreich if he wins the handicap match, he'll never have to worry about the casket match stipulation again, because if they win, they pick the stipulation. Heyman says if Long didn't book the match, he'd volunteer to fight by his side tonight, because he believes in him. Heidenreich tells Heyman he has nothing to worry about. Man, Heyman is awesome in this role, but he is SO wasted having to manage this stiff. I saw someone bring up the idea somewhere of bringing Rhyno to SD! to be in this role instead of Heidenreich, and that would have been a MUCH better idea, as Rhyno is big enough and intense enough to be a real threat, and he can actually wrestle.
5.Paul Heyman & Heidenreich vs. The Undertaker went to a no contest (about 6:30) when Undertaker locked Heyman into a casket.
Rating: 1/4*
Thoughts: In perhaps the biggest shocker of 2005 so far, the action between Taker and Heidenreich (before the Druids came with the caskets) was actually not bad at all, and in fact, it was getting to be a pretty good short match (which is the only type of match these two should ever wrestle with each other). The stuff after that with Heidenreich bailing and Heyman begging for mercy was pretty funny, and the tombstone on Heyman was pretty cool, although Taker should have at least pinned Heyman to give us an ending to the match. This wasn't bad at all, and in fact, it was pretty well done for what it was (although not much of a real match) and made the casket match at least a tiny bit interesting, although I'm sure it'll suck in the end.
This was actually a pretty good SD! to begin the new year, with nothing really bad, an awesome opener, and some entertaining stuff throughout. I can't really complain about this week's show, although I doubt SD! is really going in a great new direction, and the two matches announced for next week aren't really very exciting. Come to think of it, the matches announced for Royal Rumble aren't that exciting either. Still, fun show tonight, and Eddie vs. Rey in particular was awesome.
Quick Results:
1.WWE Tag Team Champion Rey Mysterio def. Eddie Guerrero (13:49 shown of 17:02) ***1/2
2.WWE Cruiserweight Title: Funaki (c) def. Akio (3:25) *1/4
3.Kurt Angle Invitational: Kurt Angle def. Brian Black (0:26) DUD
4.Doug Basham def. WWE Tag Team Champion Rob Van Dam (5:40) 1/2*
5.Paul Heyman & Heidenreich vs. The Undertaker went to a no contest (about 6:30) 1/4*
Average Match Rating: *1/10
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